Jokes to kick off the week

Because Monday mornings are rough, and I’m due to post a few more of these.  Enjoy!

~*~

Manager: Our new infielder cost $10 million. I call him our “Wonder Player.”
Fan: Why’s that?
Manager: Every time he plays, I wonder why I bothered to get him.

*

According to the Chicago Tribune, the following statistic was given in the press notes for the June 7 Chicago-Oakland game:

The Oakland Athletics are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more runs than their opponents.

*

Dentist: Would you help me out? I’d like you to give a few of your loudest screams.

Patient: Why, Doc? It isn’t all that bad this time.

Dentist: Well, there are about twenty people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the five o’clock Braves game on Channel Four.

“Playing Stickball With Robbie Shea,” by Mark Lukeman

This piece, published in 1988, reminds me of playing ball in the backyard with my brothers growing up.  We didn’t have “real” baseball equipment for the longest time, so we improvised.  A pitchfork handle would’ve been too big, but we broke the handle off a toy vacuum, and that worked well with a tennis ball.

*

At the wall
we play suburban stickball,
bat with a pitchfork handle
my grandfather
cut from his garden.
We pitch
tennis balls
light
as crisp apples.
Strips of electrical
tape
mark the strike zone
against
red school brick.
Rob throws strikes.
I swing hard
and miss. Robbie is so much better than me.
But today
the sky is blue,
summer is in our bones,
and so many things don’t count yet.

“Twas the Night before Spring Training,” by Lucas Brown

The author clearly had some fun writing this piece.  In it, you’ll find all kinds of allusions to both history and pop culture.  It was first published in the Baseball Almanac in 2006.

*

Twas the night before Spring Training, when all through the clubhouse
Not a creature was stirring, except the managers.
The uniforms were hung in the lockers with care,
In hopes that the season soon would be there.

The rookies were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of the Big League danced in their heads.
And Nuke in his garter, and Crash in his cap,
Had just been rewound before the players’ nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Cy Young was the pitcher, and Babe Ruth was the batter.
Away to the window the players all flew,
To see the ghosts on the evening dew.

Shoeless Joe was in left on that moonlit night,
Who was on second, oh wait, that’s not right.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Mighty Casey with a bat drawing near.

“Now Mickey! now, Willie! Now, Hammerin’ Hank!
On, Harmon! On, Reggie! on, Maris and Frank!
To the top of the leader boards! to the top of the Hall!
Show the young rookies how to play ball!”

They all admire the slugger named Roy
As he steps to the plate with his bat, Wonderboy.
They’ll pass him on the street, a tip of the hat they will give,
‘There goes the greatest player that ever lived.”

The rookies’ eyes will twinkle in their first at-bat.
The veterans will calm them and give them a pat.
For it is only spring training with so much to do,
Preparation for a season, a career to pursue.

The young ones will play their best through the spring,
With hopes of making the 40-man team.
They’ll play their careers ’til they finally say,
“Tell them I’m through for love of the game.”

“The Night Game,” by Robert Pinsky

I like the bald honesty of this piece.  As much as many folks don’t like to think about it, race and ethnicity have played a role in the history of baseball.  Fans sometimes, albeit unfairly, have preconceived notions about what a baseball hero ought to look like.  This poem is also beautifully written; full of imagery, evoking feelings of nostalgia.

*

Some of us believe
We would have conceived romantic
Love out of our own passions
With no precedents,
Without songs and poetry—
Or have invented poetry and music
As a comb of cells for the honey.

Shaped by ignorance,
A succession of new worlds,
Congruities improvised by
Immigrants or children.

I once thought most people were Italian,
Jewish or Colored.
To be white and called
Something like Ed Ford
Seemed aristocratic,
A rare distinction.

Possibly I believed only gentiles
And blonds could be left-handed.

Already famous
After one year in the majors,
Whitey Ford was drafted by the Army
To play ball in the flannels
Of the Signal Corps, stationed
In Long Branch, New Jersey.

A night game, the silver potion
Of the lights, his pink skin
Shining like a burn.

Never a player
I liked or hated: a Yankee,
A mere success.

But white the chalked-off lines
In the grass, white and green
The immaculate uniform,
And white the unpigmented
Halo of his hair
When he shifted his cap:

So ordinary and distinct,
So close up, that I felt
As if I could have made him up,
Imagined him as I imagined

The ball, a scintilla
High in the black backdrop
Of the sky. Tight red stitches.
Rawlings. The bleached

Horsehide white: the color
Of nothing. Color of the past
And of the future, of the movie screen
At rest and of blank paper.

“I could have.” The mind. The black
Backdrop, the white
Fly picked out by the towering
Lights. A few years later

On a blanket in the grass
By the same river
A girl and I came into
Being together
To the faint muttering
Of unthinkable
Troubadours and radios.

The emerald
Theater, the night.
Another time,
I devised a left-hander
Even more gifted
Than Whitey Ford: A Dodger.
People were amazed by him.
Once, when he was young,
He refused to pitch on Yom Kippur.

Friday morning jokes

The way this day has started, I can already tell it’s going to be struggle to get to the weekend.  Therefore, in an attempt to lighten the mood, we have more jokes!

~*~

A couple of Yogi Berra’s teammates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch – but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

*

A Spaniard name Jose came to Miami and wanted to attend a big league game. To his dismay he found that all the seats were sold out. However, the management gave him a high seat by the flagpole. When he returned to his home country his friends asked him, “What kind of people are those Americans?” He said, “Fine people, they gave me a special seat at the ball game and just before the game started that all stood up and sang ‘Jose can you see.'”

*

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here”. “Yes”, snickered the devil, “but I have all the umpires.”

Baseball Devil