Tag: jokes

New York bronze sculptures

December 1, 2016

As a cat owner, I’m glad to know this isn’t based on a true story (I hope).  Behold the strange power of bronze, and the potential tragic comedy that could come of it in the wrong hands.

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A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in. On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, “Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00.” The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain. “Well” said the man, “its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story”. “I’ll just take the cat,” said the man.
“Very well, but you will be back,” said the salesman. The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket. As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. On turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.
The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him. “Screw this!” he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned. The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat. “I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story,” said the salesman. “Forget the story,” said the man. “Have you got a bronze Mets fan?”

Baseball in heaven

November 12, 2016

I read this joke once when I was in high school, I believe in a book I had checked out from the library, but had since forgotten about it until I came across it this morning.  It’s just a tad morbid, but pretty amusing all the same.

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Is There Baseball In Heaven?

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”

The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.”

“What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching on Wednesday.”

A Chicago Man in Hell

October 14, 2016

This joke got a bit of a chuckle out of me.  As a general rule, I don’t go out of my way to dis on another team, because I know how much I hate it when others say things about mine.  That being said, even as I post this, I do think it would be really cool to see the Cubs win a World Series in my lifetime — heaven knows they’ve waited long enough.  This, as you’ll see, is the crux behind this joke.

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A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Chicago.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine. “No problem… just like Chicago in June,” the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. “No problem. Just like Chicago in July,” the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, “No problem. Just like Chicago in August.”

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Chicago man replies, “THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!! THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

Jokes to kick off the week

August 29, 2016

Because Monday mornings are rough, and I’m due to post a few more of these.  Enjoy!

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Manager: Our new infielder cost $10 million. I call him our “Wonder Player.”
Fan: Why’s that?
Manager: Every time he plays, I wonder why I bothered to get him.

*

According to the Chicago Tribune, the following statistic was given in the press notes for the June 7 Chicago-Oakland game:

The Oakland Athletics are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more runs than their opponents.

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Dentist: Would you help me out? I’d like you to give a few of your loudest screams.

Patient: Why, Doc? It isn’t all that bad this time.

Dentist: Well, there are about twenty people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the five o’clock Braves game on Channel Four.

Another round of jokes

July 29, 2016

I haven’t posted any jokes in a while, so why not throw out a couple to celebrate the end of the week?

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Three rookies are at batting practice. First guy pops one straight overhead that falls back into the stands. He turns to the batting coach and says, “What did I do wrong?”

The coach says, “Loft.”

The next guy steps up and hits a foul that dribbles near the fence by first base. He asks the coach, “What did I do wrong?”

The coach says, “Loft.”

The third guy swings and misses. He asks the coach, “What did I do wrong?”

The coach says, “Loft.”

As they’re walking to the showers, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the coach, “The three of us made completely different swings, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?”

The coach says, “Lack of fricking talent.”

 

~

 

Way back when Honus Wagner played, they didn’t have stadium lights. When it got dark, you couldn’t see what you were doing very well.

One time, Honus was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but he lost it in the darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he grabbed it and threw it to first for the out.

This was the very first time anyone was ever thrown out by a hare.

Friday morning jokes

January 15, 2016

The way this day has started, I can already tell it’s going to be struggle to get to the weekend.  Therefore, in an attempt to lighten the mood, we have more jokes!

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A couple of Yogi Berra’s teammates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch – but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

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A Spaniard name Jose came to Miami and wanted to attend a big league game. To his dismay he found that all the seats were sold out. However, the management gave him a high seat by the flagpole. When he returned to his home country his friends asked him, “What kind of people are those Americans?” He said, “Fine people, they gave me a special seat at the ball game and just before the game started that all stood up and sang ‘Jose can you see.'”

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One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here”. “Yes”, snickered the devil, “but I have all the umpires.”

Baseball Devil

Another round of jokes

September 18, 2015

It’s been quite some time, but I once posted a couple baseball jokes here.  At the time, it was something I figured I could sprinkle in from time to time, just to shake things up a little.  Evidently, though, the thought didn’t stick.  But today, I attempt to revive that intention.  Here are a couple new jokes to kick off the weekend.

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A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, “Damn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going.”

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A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team.

During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.

“Run!” his teammates cried. “For Pete’s sake, run!”

The Brit turned and stared at them icily. “I jolly well shan’t run,” he replied. “Why should I? I’m perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball.”

A couple baseball jokes

January 17, 2014

Purely for the sake of variety, I thought today I’d post a couple baseball jokes to end the workweek.  The first one, I’ve heard before.  The second one was new to me.  Whether you’ve heard them or not, I hope you get a laugh out of these.

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Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk. So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked.

Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

“Rough.”

He still wasn’t convinced.

“O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog.

“Ruth.”

With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: “Was it Hank Aaron?”

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A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

“I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the pitcher. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.”

“When is that?”

“Right after the national anthem.”